The 6 Human Needs - Pt 3 Love/Connection (intimate love)

love

noun \ˈləv\

Websters definition:

: strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties

: attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers

: affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

So The Beatles were a little off with the line "All You Need Is Love...". For most of us who have made it past the pre-teen perception of love, we know that we need more to be happy or to keep a good relationship going full steam ahead. We also know that no matter how passionate that one intimate/romantic relationship is, connecting with ourselves and with others continues to remain important.

Intimate Love

Let's start by talking about our intimate partner, since that's what most of us think of first when we think of love. Looking for love is no new theme...just ask John Travolta and Debra Winger. It's the storyline behind most chick flicks, thousands of novels and countless comedy skits. Love certainly gives each of us a feeling of euphoria at times that little in life can compare to.

There is the initial attraction, the excitement of pursuing your partner and then the joy of that love being returned. All of these are natural and healthy parts of the human existence. We learn to put someone else's needs before our own. We learn patience and humility. We learn to forgive and to build dreams together. If we learn those things, as well as hundreds of other things, we end up with the "happily ever after" we had hoped for.

Sometimes though, we put our need for love at such a high level that we actually sabotage the very thing we are hungry for. Men think of the word "needy" when they envision this woman. Women think of the phrase "he's a yes man". In the pursuit of capturing the object of our desire...we attempt to be everything we think they want us to be. We modify our personality, our looks, the way we dress, the things we do for fun, sometimes even our values...in order to please our partner. Sometimes we do this before we've even been on a first date, sometimes we do this after we've been married awhile and we feel that the attraction is starting to fade. The key thing to think about here though is...why did your partner fall in love with you? Do you really know? Have you asked them? Or are you changing things about yourself because it's what you THINK they want? Are you changing things about yourself that you really don't want to?

See there is a difference between changing certain things to please your partner, put them first, make them happy...and that's not a bad thing. But if you are giving up a piece of your identity that will in the long run make you resentful, you have to ask yourself if your need for intimate love is allowing you to make the right choices. Here's two examples.

Many years ago, I had gotten into a relationship shortly after my divorce with a man that was clear about the fact that we should both continue to see other people. At the time, I was fine with that...feeling a little burnt from the marriage, I thought I didn't want to be tied down either. However, I spent years of my life with this man and even after I chose to stop seeing others, I allowed him to continue to do so. My belief system at the time said that he had been honest about the structure he wanted, I knew that I loved him enough that eventually the relationship would shift and we would be in this together, alone. My need for his love left me in a hurtful unhealthy relationship. I changed the belief system of monogamy to accommodate his desires because of my need to feel loved.

On the other hand, in my now loving successful marriage, my husband loves it when I wear dresses and I was really more at home in jeans and a t-shirt. It may sound insignificant but it was a big shift for me to occasionally change the way I dress...to please him. However...it wasn't long after doing so a few times that my husband began to shop for me...when I wasn't even with him! Can I tell you, there is something awesome about having my husband bring home nice things that he loves to buy for me, often putting together outfits that look better than what I put together. He compliments me more often, he has a vibrancy in his eyes when he looks at me...all because I do this one little thing to help him know he is important to me. Changing my style for him...there was no downside.

Those two examples are obviously miles apart in the impact they have on our lives but I share that to prove a point. We have to measure our need for love.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

- Are you making choices in your life to attract or maintain this intimate relationship...that are healthy for you?

- Are the changes contradictory to your core values?

- Are you changing things about yourself that you truly associate with your identity?

- Will the outcome make you a better person?

- If you don't make these changes will the relationship survive?

- If not, then is this partner truly the one that will put your needs first?

On the flip side:

- Are you holding on to habits that push away your partner?

- Are those habits truly leading you towards the life and relationship you desire?

- What's your true motive for holding on to it? Is it because it's truly important to you or simply because you don't want to feel like you're giving up your freedom to choose?

- What do you think would happen if you did accommodate your partners desire for you to change? You may even want to ask them...you may be surprised how much changing that pattern could improve your relationship!

I hope these questions can help you search your heart. Love is a powerful healer and a life force that brings such joy and happiness when properly cultivated. Take the time to consider how you are loving yourself and those around you today!

If you have thoughts or comments you'd like to share about how your need for love plays a role in your life, please email me or comment on my Facebook page if you'd like feedback from others who may be sharing your same experience. I'd love to hear from you!

If you are curious to find out how the 6 Human Needs rank for you. I encourage you to take this free human needs assessment (click here). I look forward to sharing your personalized results with you so that you too can begin your journey towards the Vision, Purpose and Power in your life!